More Recurring Themes

I had been sleeping on the couch, and i was just waking up. Harmony (my niece) was standing next to me looking towards the front door, and i heard her gasp and say "Paul!" (My dad's name, also, it had been his birthday the day before, and i remembered somebody else in the family saying they had seen him) I jumped up, headed toward the front door, and sure enough, there he was, as if he were coming home from work, with lunch-box in-hand. We met in the kitchen, and i ran up and tried to hug him, but he tried to turn it into one of those weak little handshake-hugs (and succeeded). I was angry at this point, and i wanted to yell, "NO!" (but i don't think i did) as i forced him to give me a REAL hug. This is when i lost it. I was so mad because i KNEW that this was real, so i was furiously mad at my dad for faking his own death. I wanted to yell at him, "WHY ARE YOU HERE???" But i couldn't find the words as i started to cry. I broke down on the kitchen floor and just started BAWLING. Nobody else knew why i was crying. I think they just thought i was crying because i was so happy to see him. My sister, Lynae, asked me if i wanted some water. "NO!" i snapped back at her. This is about when i woke up.

This is another recurring theme for me (seeing my dad and thinking he faked his death), but i haven't had it in a LONG time. Also, this is the first time i reacted that way. In the past, when i had dreams like this, i figured he had a good reason to fake his death, and he had only been gone for a couple weeks or so, so i was just anxious to hear his story. This time, since it had been SO long, i was just so mad at him for abandoning us that i didn't care what his reasons were, and i just assumed that they were bad.
I've always felt sorry (for lack of a better term...i HATE that term...) for kids who have been "abandoned" by a parent (actually, any kind of divorce situation, but i guess abandonment is quite a bit different, as i'm finding out from this dream) because i thought that would be a lot harder to deal with than the death of a parent. Now, through this dream, i know, at least for me, this is true.