Magic Butt

OK, this one's probably gonna be a doozy.
I saw my dad coming home (in our old camper truck), but i was busy doing something, so i didn't immediately go downstairs. By the time i finally went downstairs, my entire family had arrived. It occurred to me by this time that i was the only one in the family who didn't know that he wasn't really dead. This made me pretty angry, and i intended to have a very interesting conversation with my mother once everyone had left. On my way downstairs, i passed a room where my mom and my sister were talking about my dad. They said something about either me or Hayden (my youngest nephew) hating my dad. Thinking they were talking about me, this set me off even more. I gave my mom a dirty look and continued walking. My dad was in the living room watching videos of the grandkids (to catch up on things, i guess). When he saw me, he said, "Oi!" This was extremely strange because about a second before he said it, i saw a subtitle that read, "Oi!" I responded by raising my fist with an excited "Oi!" of my own. I grabbed a couple yo-yos, and we exchanged a couple words, but i don't recall ever actually starting to yo-yo. The entire time i was in the living room with him, i was hiding my anger/sadness and putting on a happy face. Hayden was in the living room, and he was playing with something of mine rather roughly, so when it bounced over to me, i didn't give it back. This made him mad, so he climbed up a chair and jumped off backwards like he was trying to hurt himself to get back at me. He started climbing again, so i yelled, "HAYDEN! NO!" in a stern commanding voice. Of course, he didn't listen, and he jumped again. As he started to climb up the third time, i walked over to physically stop him, but before i got to him, my sister (his mother) walked into the room and said to my dad, "Oh, this is so cute, watch what he does!" (referring to hayden). I couldn't believe it. After i was trying to make him stop, she comes in and condones it. After that, i couldn't handle being in the house anymore, so i had to leave. I think i went somewhere with my friend, Lou. Afterward, i was wandering the streets in a tired drunken state. As i approached my car, a drunk woman was approaching it at the same time. I realized about this time that i was dreaming, so i had sex with her in the back of my car. After i "woke up" from this dream, i found myself naked in my car in front of my house, so i walked into the house and washed off my face in the kitchen sink. My mom came downstairs and kinda snuck up behind me. She said, "Wow, i HAD a headache, but now i don't...you must have a magic...butt." She then told me she wanted to "talk." I knew this was about the whole situation with my dad, but it was like 2 in the morning, and i was really tired, so i didn't want to do it then. She said that she was going to be having friends over the following day, so we had to do it right then. Then she said something like, "as a matter of fact, they're tailored just for you. They're 17 and really fun." I got really pissed when i realized she was talking about dogs and not girls. I ran upstairs to get a squirt for our "conversation," but just as we were about to start talking, the phone rang.